I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So vagazzling was a success
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
