I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
