highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
