it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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