Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Mom said you looked used
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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