Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
