Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
