I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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