One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You may now shotgun with the bride
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
