She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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