You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
