I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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