the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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