I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
