Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
