im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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