All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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