She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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