So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
