found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
