We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
