Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
