so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
