I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
