did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
