I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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