My liver just broke up with me...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize