I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
