I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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