It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
