I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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