Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
