dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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