dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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