Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
