If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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