I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
