Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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