you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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