why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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