As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
