Fine. I'll sleep in my office
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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