now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
