Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize