She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
