So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
