i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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