he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
