I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I am one with the molecules
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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