good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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