Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
