Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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