I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
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