And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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