Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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