I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
