My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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