I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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