Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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