Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
