I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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