my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just want nice things and good sex
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
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