I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize