he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
