he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
