Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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