i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Small penises have feelings too.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
