Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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