You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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